The lovely weekend weather brought us to a farm for some fall fun. While there, I witnessed at least 20 fathering fails, leading me to the conclusion that there is no good reason in this day and age (and really any day or any age) that fathers should be given a parenting pass. Now, I am truly not here to bash on my better half or males as a whole. I know more than a few truly amazing dads who are involved in parenting decisions, daily tasks, discipline, and modeling. These dudes are phenomenal, putting a full time job and full time parenting on lock (and I’ve been there with both full time tasks; it’s next to impossible). I, unfortunately, know more than a few women who feel that their spouses aren’t as involved as they would like or need them to be. I know a lot of guys who can’t tell me their child’s weight, their pediatricians’ name, what size clothing their kids wear, how much to feed them during dinner, or what time their kids are supposed to go to bed.
And the guys aren’t all to blame.
I think sometimes fathers take a stand-back role in parenting because mothers won’t let them be more involved. Sometimes we (and I included myself here, because I’m guilty and ready to admit it) want things our way, and it’s just easier to do it ourselves than explain to someone how to do it, or, worse yet, to allow someone to do things his own way. It’s a control issue, plain and simple. We take more work upon ourselves because we need the control and, as a bonus, we can complain about it later. Sometimes, we do things because we feel like we are saving our partner. All fathers are just as capable of rocking a crying infant to sleep in the middle of the night, but many times a mother feels like she’s “better” at it and steps in to do the job (her motivations may be quite selfless; for instance, I will do this because I know my husband needs to get up early. I don’t want to waste precious sleeping time and I know I can get my son to sleep pretty quickly. I will also go bat-shit crazy from lack of sleep and take it out on him later). Sometimes a mom will make a more difficult daily schedule for herself to save her partner from stress. What the hell are we saving them from? Are we really saving everyone? What are we costing our partners by doing this? I don’t have all the answers.
Sometimes fathers aren’t involved the way we need them to be because they truly don’t know how to do some aspects of parenting. There have been several moments in my experience where I questioned why my partner (did I mention he really is a saint?) didn’t do something that was so obvious to me. The answer is, because it wasn’t obvious to him. I accept that, I believe that. He didn’t forget to give my son a snack because he was withholding food as a means of torture. He didn’t forget to have him use the potty before he left the house just to be able to explore the inner workings of our carseat. These things didn’t occur to him…at all. He was probably trying to work on my other requests (fine, demands) and just didn’t think of this shit. He’s not alone. The 20 or so dads I saw standing around the corn crib at the farm we were visiting just didn’t think to discipline their children about whipping corn, or putting it down their underwear (or, they were just assholes. I mean, that’s a possibility too, and I’m not willing to discount it. To the dad who was allowing his kid to put corn on his head while he stood there, that was just a dick move on your kid’s part…unless you really enjoyed that underwear corn on your head, dude). This is not an excuse for men to be lackadaisical parents; it’s an explanation for my ovary carrying teammates, and one we need to remember so we don’t kill men in their sleep.
Finally, guys, like women, hate feeling inadequate. Sometimes they just don’t do things because we make them feel like crap about it. One of my most brilliant friends once told me that her husband was the best at giving baths and dressing her daughter. After seeing her daughter in some um, off-beat, fashion choices, I asked her about it again. She admitted that he was terrible at it, but he thought he was the best (because of her compliments), so he always offered to do it. She, in turn, didn’t have to perform this task. Genius! Why would anyone want to do a job they didn’t feel that they performed well? Why would anyone do work just to have it criticized? Well, they wouldn’t.
Okay, okay, it certainly seems that I’ve come to the guys defense here (and I started off so peeved about bad fathers), but I’m not willing to absolve poor padres from their sins. Look, parenting takes 2 (or sometimes 200). It’s the responsibility of both parents. I don’t really care how often mothers take the train to crazy town and make fathering more difficult. Toughen up that skin buddy, pull up those britches, and get your ass in the game. The alternative? You’ll entirely miss out on this once in a life time experience, AND your kid will know it. Pass revoked!
